Do you know someone who had a stillborn baby and chose to share pictures on social media? If you’ve never experienced stillbirth or neonatal loss yourself, you may have thought something like: “Why would you share pictures of a dead baby?” “They should put a sensitive content warning.” “Social media is not the place for this.”
Honestly, before my son died during labor, I probably would have thought the same thing. But I had a big perspective shift when I spent nine months dreaming of an entire lifetime with my son and all I got was about 18 hours with his lifeless body.
The pictures I have from my time with him are my most prized possession. Memory is a tricky thing, and when you only have 18 hours to commit every detail of your child to memory, pictures are so useful. They’re the only way that I can remember his hair color or cute nose. I tried my best in the hospital to soak in every tiny detail of his fingernails and ear shape. Truthfully, I was too numb to fully appreciate my ability to see him in person. So the pictures I have of him help me remember all the details.
The pictures I have are the only proof I have that he lived. You wouldn’t know from looking at me that I’m a mom. I’m not bouncing a baby on my hip or toting a diaper bag. Pictures are my proof that I gave birth – that I have a son. Only a few family members got to meet him. The pictures we have allow us to share our son with the rest of our family and friends who anticipated his arrival with us. And I will continue to be able to share my son with new people who enter my life because of the pictures we have.
Any parent knows that having a child unlocks a level of love you never thought possible. Your heart starts living out of your body, and the feeling is overwhelming. You want to take as many pictures as possible, flood your friends with texts and Instagram stories, and brag to anyone who will listen about the precious new life that you have been blessed with.
This doesn’t change just because your baby dies.
In fact, it’s so much more overwhelming to have such heartbreak amidst the flood of love for your child. We have all this love and pride and nowhere to put it. We are so in love with our baby but no one asks about him because they don’t want to make us sad. They don’t realize that talking about our babies brings us joy! We spent months picking a name that we love, and then we never get to hear it because people are uncomfortable saying it. We never get to talk about our pregnancy or labor again because of the trauma associated with it.
Most loss parents want to share pictures and details about their children because of the same overflow of love and pride that comes from having a living child.
And what makes it even harder is the pictures we do have are all that we will ever have. We can’t take pictures of their first smile, first steps, birthdays, first day of school, graduation, or their wedding. So if it feels like loss parents are just sharing the same pictures of their babies over and over again, they are – because it’s all they have of their child.
We want our child to be remembered and doted on like everyone else. In fact we probably feel more of a need to keep his or her memory alive and honored. That’s one of the only ways you can still parent a child that’s in heaven.
Maybe now you say, “Okay I understand why people want to share the pictures with other people, but social media isn’t the place for that.”
Death is a very real part of life. One of the only things we are promised in this world is suffering. That can be easy to forget on a place like social media where everyone is competing to show they have the most perfect life.
Social media is a bragging contest lacking honesty and authenticity. So when someone posts about their real struggles, it can feel like social media isn’t the place to share such sadness.
Do you see how twisted that is? We’re allowed and encouraged to post inauthentically in a way that promotes unhealthy habits like comparison, envy, and vanity; however, when someone wants to share their vulnerability about a subject that is extremely important and real, we are told it’s not the place for it.
That is twisted. And that’s honestly why I can’t stand social media anymore. The shallowness feels suffocating when my perspective has shifted to care about the deep things that really matter.
Now, maybe you say, “Okay, it’s fine for people to post pictures of their dead baby, but they need to preface it with a trigger warning.”
I’ve seen a lot of parents do this and I don’t think there is anything at all wrong with it – especially if the baby was very premature or suffered an injury in the womb that makes them look different from what someone would expect a baby to look like.
I totally understand why people add a disclaimer to something so sensitive. But do I think it should be expected or “required?” Unless the pictures are graphic, absolutely not!
I’m sorry if looking at a dead baby makes you a little uncomfortable. But if what you’re concerned about at that moment is your own comfort and not how you can love and support that grieving parent, then you need a reality check. Suck it up and tell them how beautiful their baby is. I promise that it will mean the world to them.
We know that no one enjoys looking at a deceased baby. We know it makes people uncomfortable, and you don’t know what to say. Don’t make us feel worse by judging us for sharing the most important and vulnerable part of our hearts with you.
If you need suggestions on things you should or shouldn’t say, check this post out.
You know what makes a loss parent uncomfortable? Living baby pictures. Pregnancy announcements. Birth announcements. Ungratefulness. Gender reveals. Bumpdates.
Do loss parents ask you to post a trigger warning on your baby’s milk drunk face? No!
And the little bit of momentary anxiety or discomfort you feel when you see a picture of our deceased babies probably doesn’t compare to the level of debilitating trauma that can be turned up for us by someone else’s “happy” post. It can completely derail your day.
So, in conclusion…
Please don’t judge someone for how they’re grieving. I’m talking about baby loss, but that is true for all types of grief. You truly never know what someone is going through. Just have a little more compassion and a little less judgment. Comment on their picture and tell them how sweet their baby is. Tell them you wish you could see what he or she would look like now. Put aside your momentary discomfort to support them when they need it most.
If you’re a loss parent who chooses to share those precious pictures of your child, good for you. I love seeing pictures from loss because I know just how important and sacred they are.
If you’re a loss parent who has chosen not to share pictures of your baby because they are too intimate, I absolutely understand that. It’s such a personal decision that should be respected. But if you do ever decide to share them, you shouldn’t feel judged. I would love to see them and admire how perfectly formed your baby is.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about this!
If you’re a loss parent, do you agree? Has someone judged you for your decision on this subject?
Are you a non-loss parent who has wondered why people share pictures? Did this post change your perspective?
Comment below or send me an email! If you’re comfortable with it, send me pictures of your baby so I can put a face to the baby and admire them!
Be sure to check out my other resources on baby loss here to better understand where loss parents are coming from.
I hope that you found value and validation from this. Thanks for reading!
Hello! Thank you for sharing this article. I also lost my daughter 2 months ago when I turned 7 months of my pregnancy. It is a huge pain as you know. However, I could not see her because of my mental health conditions, which were so bad, and my psychologist’s recommendation. I don’t have any pictures of her and sometimes seeing others having their non-living babies’ pictures is a trigger for me. It makes me wish I had one but it was not possible at that moment. However, I agree with you that lost parents should share their lost babies on social media if they want, and watching others’ posts sharing their living ones’ pictures or pregnancy stuff is more painful than sharing a non-living baby’s picture.
I am wondering if you have any articles or suggestions for those who have the same experience as me; I mean not seeing their lost babies because of different reasons.
Thank you so much,
Laya
Hi, Layla! Thanks so much for your kind words. I’m so sorry that you know the pain of losing a child. I totally understand how it can be hard for you to see other pictures from loss. I know that you’re imagination has probably run wild dreaming about your sweet girl and wishing you could see her. I’m so sorry!
A helpful mantra to me when I start to feel guilt or regret is to remind myself, “You did all that you had the capacity to do in that moment.” This can be helpful to affirm that even though I might do something differently in hindsight, I simply couldn’t in the emotional and physical state I was in. I hope you know that your daughter is just as loved and just as valued as any other baby, even if you don’t have photos or remembrance items. You can keep her memory alive, and you are doing just that by talking about her!
I don’t have any posts about your situation specifically, but I will add it to my content calendar to do some research and find resources for you. I do have lots of other posts about grief, baby loss, and relationships that you may find helpful. If you subscribe or like us on Facebook, you can stay up to date on any new posts that may be helpful to you. Thanks, Laya!