How am I supposed to celebrate my baby in heaven on important days? No one ever taught me.
We just passed the six month mark from when my son passed away. I was shocked and disappointed that approaching half a year was just as painful as the day he died.
Each month anniversary of your baby’s death is so hard. I think this is something that people who haven’t experienced baby loss don’t realize. It’s not like when your grandma or friend dies. Every month for that first year, babies have a mini birthday. There’s such a difference from month to month in the baby’s appearance, activity level, facial expressions, and personality. That’s why you see so many parents share on social media each month marker with updates.
Parents of babies in heaven have brand new “what ifs” every month as they imagine who their child will be now. We don’t just lose a newborn. We have to grieve every milestone they would be completing for the rest of our lives.
The six month mark was so hard. My husband and I felt it looming over us for weeks before it arrived. In fact, the anticipation of the day was much worse than the actual day. I think that’s partly because we planned meaningful activities that helped us honor him and feel like we are still his parents.
Josiah’s Half Birthday
We started the day by packing a picnic lunch, our hammocks, backgammon, my journal, and a picture of our son.
We loaded up the car and headed an hour south to a field of wildflowers that we heard about from a friend. But these weren’t just any wildflowers. They were red poppies — August’s birth flower! It’s the only wildflower field I know about in our area and it was the perfect God wink that the flowers are poppies and that they were in full bloom for Josiah’s half birthday.
As we pulled in, a butterfly hovered at my window. It felt like the sweetest little welcome to Josiah’s poppy field.
The whole area was covered in the most vibrant red flowers, and I was so in love! We spent the day admiring the beauty, napping in our hammocks, writing in Josiah’s memory book, and thinking of our sweet son. It felt like the closest place that the three of us could be together on this side of heaven.
I felt like his mom. I felt like a mom. That felt so good.
I loved doing something active on this day, because if we hadn’t planned something to do, I would have spent the whole day in bed crying. After our poppy visit, I felt refreshed and connected to Josiah. Laying in bed would have made me feel helpless and drained.
I’m so thankful for this day and I’ll remember it forever.
Happy half birthday, Josiah! I miss you with every beat of my heart and breath I breathe. I’m so grateful God chose me to be your mom.
Check out more of our day with this reel I made on Instagram!
