How to Support a Grieving Friend – More Than, “How are you?”

Losing a loved one is one of the most painful experiences a person can go through. When someone you care about is grieving, it’s natural to want to support them in any way you can. However, sometimes it can be difficult to know how to check in on a grieving friend without resorting to the same old question, “How are you?”

In the months since my son died, I’ve been asked how I am many many times. While I am so grateful for people who check on me in any way, it’s nice to have some variation. 

Here are some ways you can show your support and care for your grieving friend beyond asking them how they are doing:

Saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” is very sweet, but it leaves it up to the grieving person to think of what they need and then communicate that. That may not sound like a lot, but grief can make it impossible to make decisions. Sometimes you don’t even have the energy to think of what you need or communicate it. Instead of asking your friend if they need anything, try to be specific in your offers of help. For example:

“I’m going to the grocery store this afternoon. Can I pick up anything for you?” 

“I’m free tomorrow. Would you like me to come over and cook dinner for you?”

“I’m taking my kids to the park tomorrow. Can I pick up your kids to come with?”

Specific offers show that you care enough to think about what your friend might need, and can help alleviate some of the burden of decision-making during a difficult time. This extra level of thought really goes a long way to make them feel loved.

Sharing a memory of the loved one who passed away can be a beautiful way to honor their memory and bring comfort to your grieving friend. It can be something simple, like “I remember the time we all went on that camping trip and your dad made the best s’mores,” or more detailed, like a story about a special moment you shared with the person who passed away. You could also share a way that you’re going to miss that person. For example, “I was really looking forward to watching your sweet baby grow up.” Or, “I’m going to miss her laugh.”

You may think that sharing a memory is counterintuitive – won’t bringing up the lost loved one just make everyone more sad? But by sharing a memory, you show your friend that you remember and value their loved one, and that you’re there to support them in their grief. Everyone wants to know that they aren’t the only one who is grieving. They want their loved one to be remembered and honored.

Eventually your friend will be ready to talk. Sometimes, your friend might not want to share about their grief, but other times, they might need someone to listen. Let your friend know that you’re there for them if they want to talk about their loved one, their feelings, or anything else on their mind. You don’t need to offer advice or solutions. Grief isn’t something that needs to be fixed – it’s normal and healthy. Give them your full attention. Validate their feelings. Simply listening can be a powerful form of support.

When someone is grieving, it can be helpful to have a distraction from their grief, even if it’s just for a little while. You can help by just giving them something to do. Plan a fun activity that you and your friend can do together, such as going to a movie, taking a walk, or going out for coffee. It doesn’t have to be extravagant or well planned. Just an excuse to get out of the house is helpful. If you aren’t local you could suggest a movie or TV show that you think they would like. 

Keep in mind that they probably won’t want an all day affair or a gathering with lots of people. Each day on the grief journey is unique, so follow your friend’s lead and give them grace to change plans. The goal is not to ignore the grief, but to provide a temporary break from the sadness and stress of the situation.

A thoughtful gift can be a tangible way to show your friend that you care and that you’re thinking of them. It doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant – something as simple as a card, a bouquet of flowers, or a homemade meal can make a big difference. Other ideas include a blanket, candle, or their favorite candy. Anything thoughtful is appreciated. Just make sure that your gift is appropriate for your friend’s personality and situation.

In conclusion, checking in on a grieving friend requires more than just asking how they’re doing. By being specific in your offers of help, sharing a memory, offering to listen, planning a distraction, or sending a thoughtful gift, you can show your friend that you care and that you’re there for them during this difficult time. Remember, grief is a process, and your friend might need different forms of support at different times. Follow your friend’s lead. The most important thing is to be there for them, in whatever way they need.

If you’re looking for more help on how to support your grieving friend, check out this post about things you should and shouldn’t say. 

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