Experiencing baby loss is a devastating and heartbreaking experience. It can be challenging to navigate the emotions that come with such a loss and decide when or if to TTC (try to conceive) again.
Deciding if and when you are ready to try again for another baby after a miscarriage or stillbirth is a personal decision and one that requires careful consideration. There is no one-size-fits-all answer, and what works for one couple may not work for another.
Since my son died, we have received all sorts of wanted and unwanted opinions on when we should have another baby. Some people who have shared their opinions with us seem to believe that if we just have another baby that will fix our grief. This is such a dangerous mindset to adopt. Not only is it disrespectful to the child we lost, but it’s also unhealthy to attempt to put a band aid on a stabbed heart.
Don’t get me wrong, I know the ache of empty arms when you should have a baby. I know the desire to just get pregnant again so that I don’t have to pack up the nursery. But looking back, I now recognize that the ache I was feeling was for the son I lost. Of course I wanted a baby, but I needed time to grieve and heal both physically and emotionally because if I hadn’t, the undealt with grief would have piled up and boiled over eventually.
Immediately TTC wasn’t right for me, but I have heard plenty of stories from moms whose quick rainbow babies saved them. It’s different for everyone!
The first thing to consider is whether you and your partner are emotionally ready. The grief and pain that come with a miscarriage or stillbirth can be intense and long-lasting. It’s essential to take the time to grieve and heal before considering trying again. Talk to your partner about your feelings and emotions, and make sure that you both feel ready to try again.
Here are some questions to ask yourself to determine if you are emotionally ready to try to conceive again after losing a baby (Remember, none of this is medical advice!) :
- Have I given myself enough time to grieve and process my emotions surrounding my previous loss?
Let’s be real, we will never completely heal from losing our children this side of heaven. But we do learn how to manage that grief and carry it in a more healthy way. Have you given yourself time to develop healthy coping methods and identify harmful thought patterns?
- Am I feeling hopeful and optimistic about trying again, or am I consumed by fear and anxiety?
There will probably be a mixture of emotions and that’s okay! But you shouldn’t feel paralyzing anxiety.
- Have I talked openly with my partner about my feelings and concerns, and do we feel emotionally connected and supported in this decision?
This is so important. Make sure that you are honest with your feelings so that you both can feel supported and understood as best as possible.
- Am I able to handle the potential emotional ups and downs of trying to conceive again, such as the anxiety of waiting for pregnancy test results or potential medical complications?
No matter how hopeful you are, pregnancy and trying to conceive is a roller coaster. Opening your heart to hope and love again makes you vulnerable. Think about all the different emotions that could be stirred up and ask yourself if you’re ready for the roller coaster.
- Am I prepared to seek out support and resources if I need them, such as counseling or support groups?
Take some time to seek out resources that may be helpful to you on this journey. Create a plan for when and how you will recognize when support would be helpful.
- Do I feel ready to take on the responsibilities and challenges that come with another pregnancy, such as prenatal care, labor and delivery, and postpartum recovery?
On the practical side, are you ready to care for a baby? Consider the timing for any big life changes that may be around the corner.
- Have I discussed my plans with my doctor, and do I feel confident that my physical health is stable enough to support another pregnancy?
This is obviously a very important one. Your physical health greatly impact your ability to grow a healthy baby. Make sure you get the okay from your doctor.
- Am I willing to accept that there are no guarantees in life, and that even with careful planning and preparation, there is still a risk of loss or complications during pregnancy?
This is such a hard one. We can be hopeful and optimistic about the future, but it’s vital to accept that so much is out of our control. The “lightening never strikes twice” saying is a dangerous outlook to take on how the world works. There are absolutely no guarantees, but that doesn’t mean we can’t believe without seeing and take steps in faith.
- Am I prepared to prioritize self-care and take steps to manage stress and anxiety throughout the process of trying to conceive and pregnancy?
Have a plan in place to make sure that you are caring for yourself physically and emotionally. This can look like daily check-ins with a dear friend, a weekly counseling session, participating in an online support group, or completing a daily checklist of fulfilling tasks like journaling, exercise, and prayer. Take the time to create a plan so that if the anxiety feels overwhelming you know what to do.
- Do I feel ready to embrace the possibility of a new pregnancy and all of the joys and challenges that come with it, while also acknowledging and honoring the memory of my previous loss?
You may feel guilt about wanting another baby. You may feel like joy and grief can’t coexist. It may feel scary to hope for new life and grieve the life lost. But when you are ready, you can do both, I promise 🙂
If your answers to these questions leave you feeling unsure about whether you are ready, that’s okay! This is not a decision that should be rushed into.
If you feel like your family is as complete as it can be this side of heaven, and you don’t feel like you should try again, that may be what’s right for you.
When and if you and your partner are ready to try again, it’s important to be patient and take it one step at a time. The fear of another loss or health complication can be overwhelming, but try to focus on the present moment and take each day as it comes. Be open with your partner about your fears and concerns and lean on each other for support.
In conclusion, deciding to try again for another baby after a miscarriage or stillbirth is a deeply personal decision. It’s essential to take the time to heal emotionally and physically before trying again. Try to avoid comparison. What’s right for one couple may not be right for you. When you and your partner are ready, take it one step at a time and be patient with yourselves. Above all, remember that you are not alone, and there is support available to you.
Be sure to check out more resources for baby loss here!
