Grief is a complex and personal experience that can vary greatly from person to person. When you are in a relationship, it can be challenging when you and your partner don’t grieve in the same way. This can cause tension, misunderstandings, and conflict in your relationship. Grief is such an individual experience, but when you are in a union with a spouse or partner, it can be so hard to balance grieving together and grieving alone.
This is something I’ve had to navigate with my husband. He rarely has days where he just wants to lay in bed and cry; I have days like that more often. I’m more of a verbal processor (hence the blog 🙂 ); He is more of a silent thinker when he’s grieving. There’s been times where we’ve had some conflict. We each have different ideas of how we want to handle a grief funk.
Grief adds so much stress to your life. Funeral expenses, guilt, lifestyle changes, added responsibility, and so much more can be slapped on your plate at a moment’s notice. One of the hardest things to deal with on top of tragedy is a strained relationship.
It can be daunting to think about supporting someone else when you’re just trying to keep your own head above water, but this is the time to be more united than ever.
In this article, I’ll share 7 tips we’ve learned for navigating grief with your spouse.
1. Acknowledge and accept your differences
The first step in dealing with different styles of grieving is to acknowledge and accept that you and your partner may grieve differently.
You may show more emotion; They may show less. You may want to talk about it. They might not want to. You may want to be around people; They may not what to leave the house. Try to change your mindset from a right vs. wrong, you vs. them way of thinking.
It’s important to recognize that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and that everyone’s experience is unique.
2. Communicate openly and honestly
Communication is key in any relationship, but especially when dealing with grief. Talk to your partner about how you are feeling and what you need from them. Be honest about your emotions and don’t be afraid to express your needs.
One of my most vague memories from the hospital when my son died, is when my husband made me promise to tell him everything I was thinking and feeling, and he promised to do the same. We haven’t been perfect, but it has been so good to set that standard of frequent, open communication. Whenever we have a debrief of what we’ve been feeling lately, our relationship strengthens and 9 times of 10 one of us says, “Wow, you just validated an emotion I didn’t even know I was feeling.”
3. Be patient and understanding
It’s important to be patient and understanding with your partner as they navigate their own grief. Grief can easily stir up anger, bitterness, impatience, and plenty of other unpleasant emotions. However, if you let it, grief can also soften your heart to be more compassionate and understanding.
A kind word and gentle response can really go a long way. Remember that everyone moves at their own pace, and it’s important to give your partner the space and time they need to grieve in their own way.
4. Seek support
It’s important for you to have support both individually and as a couple. This could be a close friend, a counselor, pastor, mentor, life coach, etc. You should ideally have someone who you know and love who you can be vulnerable with and contact them if you need them.
If you and your partner are struggling to navigate your differences in grieving, seeking professional support can be helpful. This could include individual counseling, couples therapy, or support groups. A trained professional can help you and your partner communicate effectively and develop strategies for coping with your grief.
5. Find common ground
While you and your partner may grieve differently, there may be some common ground where you can find support and comfort together. This could be participating in activities that you both enjoy or finding ways to honor and remember your loved one that feel meaningful to both of you.
6. Respect each other’s boundaries
Again, this goes back to that clear communication point. It’s important to respect each other’s boundaries when it comes to grieving. If your partner needs space and time alone to process their emotions, respect that and give them the space they need. Similarly, if you need more support and attention, communicate that to your partner and work together to find a way to meet your needs.
7. Give more than you receive
One of my favorite ways to make myself feel better, is to make my husband feel better. When you shift your focus from your own needs to how you can support someone else, you typically feel way better than if you just focused on meeting your own needs.
Let me be clear, it may not feel like you have anything left to give to on those hard grief days and that is okay! But on the days where you do have the capacity to compromise your desires for the betterment of your marriage, you should do it.
That said, dealing with grief can be emotionally and physically exhausting. It’s important to take care of yourself during this difficult time. This could include engaging in exercise, daily sunlight, getting enough sleep, eating well, and seeking support from friends and family.
In conclusion, navigating different styles of grieving in a relationship can be challenging, but it’s so incredibly important to prioritize your relationship as you mourn. By working together and supporting each other, you and your partner can navigate your grief and strengthen your relationship in the process.
Be sure to check out other resources for navigating grief here.
